


Regret

by Taffyberry



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Dragon Age angst, F/M, POV Solas, Solas Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 11:29:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12341793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taffyberry/pseuds/Taffyberry
Summary: Solas steps through the Eluvian after leaving Lavellan behind and all he can think about is his regrets.





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in... forever, again. So it's not great, I guess, but much better than a lot of the other things I have written on my laptop! I think my favourite thing about Dragon Age world is just that it inspires me so much and makes me not want to leave it.

As the eluvian closed behind him, he regretted everything. _Another regret_ , he mentally scolded himself. Solas felt his knees give out and he fell to the ground, supporting himself on his hands. Was she still there? If he opened the mirror and stepped back into the clearing, would he find her there? In pain? Or would she curse him out? He had hurt her too much, in too many ways, he was not worthy of having her near him when to him it was obvious he couldn't protect her from himself. The orb was his fault, the pain in her heart was his fault, the nightmares she'd had for the past few years were his fault, the fact she now only had one arm was his fault.

  
Yet he wanted to go back.

  
Of all the things he had done, leaving her behind would be his biggest regret. His chest felt tight, like someone had punched a hole and removed his still beating heart and then overstuffed it with something else. His throat was tight and he clenched his eyes tightly-- he would not shed tears over this, and yet the more he tried to will himself to not, the more they came. He had been alone for so long, shunned by the people he had done everything for... and yet despite his original judgement that she was just 'another Dalish', he found himself proven wrong and he had found she had proven him wrong time and time again, and every time she had he had enjoyed it. It was a pleasure, every time she acted in a way he did not expect it set his heart on fire and it had become harder and harder to seperate himself from her. She enjoyed his views on history, even though she had not known who he was, but using logic that spirits in the fade and the memories created by them probably remembered more truth than her own people. He had been shocked at her view, and it had been what inspired him to want to know her more. Falling in love with her was unintended and yet easier than falling into a deep sleep. Why had he left her? She had not turned away when he told her-- she had pieced it together and still come looking.

  
He tried to convince himself it was just because she was worried about the anchor, and yet her declaration of love for him as he had kissed her one last time... She could have removed her arm herself, she could have let the qunari come for him, she could have done so much-- and yet she had been there, in the clearing, begging him to take her with him, vowing she would not let him be alone. Solas's eyes clenched tightly. It was difficult to breathe. Of all the things he had lost, this was the hardest, or maybe he had just simply lost one too many things. And it was all because of him, because of his mistakes!

  
When they had gone to the temple of Mythal he had been even more shocked. Morrigan had just receited the normal, typical Dalish lie about Fen'harel, and yet she questioned it. For no reason other than ' _if everything else has been mistold, why not this?_ '. He had almost given up then, and yet instead he used her validation as an affirmation and he told himself it for days after that she believed in him, as if it would make it any easier. Yet she had been away shortly after, having to deal with some situation with Dorian and he had found it hard to keep his resolve while away from her. The moment she returned he sought her out. He intended to tell her, to explain everything, to apologise and seek forgiveness from her which he did not deserve, yet he could not.

He thought back to a night in Haven, shortly after they met. He found her watching the stars, or rather staring at the breach and had asked her thoughts, she seemed to have so many of them and at that point her mind seemed to be the most unique thing to him. She had raised her hand and stared at it, and then unexpectedly, he had seen her cry. He had been so taken back. _I did not ask for this, and now I am being treated as some divine message_ , she had sobbed out. _All I hear when anyone speaks to me is 'you're our only hope', but I am so scared it wont be enough_. _That_ I _won't be enough_.

  
He had watched her in silence, deciding it would be better to let her vent it out, all the while guilt drove into him deeper. She came across as so sure, so assertive and so confident in herself he had not seen the small elf, terrified out of her mind, not until then. He wanted nothing more than to go back and redo it all, never bestow this upon her, even if it meant they never met. She did not deserve this. Solas had tried to comfort her, but though he was usually wise and had many words he wanetd to say, the only thing he had been able to do was put a hand on her shoulder. She had fallen asleep against him, using his heat to protect her from the snow, and that night in Haven he apologised to her as she slept against him.  
And then he had broken her heart. He intended to explain to her that night he took her to the waterfall. He had it all planned, every single word, and then he could not do it. He was a coward, he feared her scorn more than he feared his broken heart, more than he feared hurting her, and so he had told her a different truth. One which had also hurt her. She had been so beautiful. He closed his eyes, bringing a hand to his mouth to cover his own sobs. So beautiful right then, and then he turned away. He hardened his resolve. If it had gone further...

  
He should have told her.

  
Just like he should not have pushed her away in the clearing. She wanted by his side and he would not allow her, because he was scared. He had been alone for so long, and now he found her, lost her... and feared losing her when she saw the monster he would become. He would not have her carve out pieces of herself, to tear holes into her very soul just to help him fix his mistakes. It would pain her, it was essentially selfish of him to even consider the idea of bringing her, and yet he considered it.  
He thought about it so deeply he thought about almost nothing else.

  
And then, he lost his resolve.

  
He pushed himself to his feet and hurried back through the Eluvian. If she was there, if there was even a small hope of her being there, he was going to take her with him. She wouldn't be alone anymore, he wouldn't be alone-- if they were together, maybe it could work out.

  
He hurried through the clearing when he did not see her instantly, moving through the petrified Qunari to find her-- and he saw her as she vanished through the mirror. He reached it as it closed off and he hit it hard with his fists. "Vhenan!"

  
As if she could hear him.

  
He fell to his knees again. He was too late.

  
He should go to the crossroads after her, he still had time, yet he could not will his legs to support him.

  
Solas did not know how long he stayed there. He tried so hard to sharpen his feelings, to tighten his heart and it took a long time. He still wanted to go after her, and yet when he eventually rose to his feet, he turned and headed back in the opposite direction. He could not.

  
There was a part of him which wanted her to find him again, to prove him wrong. Oh he would value that chance, that pleasure of having her prove him wrong again and so he hoped, that she would find him, that she would stop him, would come up with a solution which only she could see, though he knew it impossible. Yet, she had seemed impossible herself, her very existence proved wrong all he had thought he had known. She had changed everything.

  
He hoped she would move on, find someone else, yet he knew she would not. She was incredibly stubborn, once she was set on one course of action, she would see it through. It was a quality he admired of her. She never waivered, she never stopped to check her feet, she kept moving confident in her own legs to know the way to go. He had envied it. So many times he had doubted himself, knowing that all choices he had made in the past had only come to ruin, and yet her choices....  
Solas would watch her as much as he could. As she slept he entered her dreams, and he longed to go to her, to be with her in them, but the moment she came close he forced himself to leave. He knew it was unfair, it was wholey selfish of him. This way she would never forget him, she would never give up on him... her heart would always be waiting for him.

  
And yet for all his regrets, Solas decided he would not have changed his actions up until leaving her in front of the mirror. He had done so much wrong, but it had led him to her, and perhaps his one redeeming quality was that despite himself, he had fallen in love with all which had made her brighter than any star. Yes, if they hadn't met he would never have hurt her, but he would do it again. He would relish in falling for her, enjoy falling in love with every single part of her over and over again if only he could. The only thing he would change, would be to take her with him. He loved her deeply, more than he ever thought it possible to love another person. Leaving her had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do, and with a small hope as he instead turned himself to the future, he hoped she understood that he did indeed care for her, that nothing between them had been a lie. If he had been genuine in anything, it was all the soft, tender words he had said to her when they were alone, if anything had been true, it was the soft kisses he had given her, the way she made him laugh and the way he had made her laugh. None of it had been a lie and he hoped she knew that.

**Author's Note:**

> I see a lot of things always talking about how heart broken Lavellan would be, or how she feels etc., but I wondered more how Solas felt. I have played trespasser so damn much and the thing that breaks my heart every time is not that he leaves her, but it is that he is entirely alone in it, he carries his burdens like the weight of the world upon his entire being, he does not even let Cole see it. When it slips out, he blocks it off. You can see how much he loves her from his expressions to the weight of his words, he broke his own heart, yet somehow I always imagined him realising at the last moment he made a mistake and going after her, only to have her disappear from him. But I also see him as not wanting him to hurt her anymore; he saw all the pain she went through because of the mistake with Corypheus, he watched her have to carry the problems of the world and he watched everyone act as though she was an answer when she herself wanted to run and hide with all the questions she had scribbled upon her lips. I truly believe that a part of him wants her to stop him, to find a different solution because he doesn't want to be alone anymore, but more than anything he just has to put right all of his wrongs and this is the only way he can see of doing it.


End file.
